i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
