i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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