i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
