i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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