Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
sex in a hospital.. check
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
