I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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