I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
