I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
