i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
