if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
