I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
