Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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