Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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