brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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