Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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