he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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