How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
