Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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