I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
