I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
