Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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