I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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