Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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