It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
