guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
