they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
