Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
