6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
