Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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