You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
