guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
