My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
