Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize