Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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