How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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