I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
