after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize