Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
