My friends, they love my intelligence
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
