I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
