Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
