i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
