just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize