i can't believe i had my finger in that
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
