Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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