I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
