If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
