my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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