think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
