I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
