plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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