I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
