I cannot find my penis.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
