am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
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