Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
