I want to have your abortion
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
