I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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