I think im going to throw up on grandma
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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